


far side of the sea

by i_kinda_like_writing



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkwardness, Dib Flip, First Kiss, Fluff, Gay, Getting Together, Homophobia, Kissing, M/M, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Religion, Religious Conflict, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Sort Of, Underage Drinking, Vacation, very gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-05-03 02:57:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14559327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_kinda_like_writing/pseuds/i_kinda_like_writing
Summary: “Hey, man,” Nursey said, and Dex took the coffee from him. “So, like, Spring Break.”Dex took a sip of his coffee and raised his eyebrows over the cup at Nursey. “What about Spring Break?”“My parents have this house in Spain, right on the water, and it’s empty.”*~*Or, Dex goes to Spain with Nursey, and finds a home he never thought he could have.





	far side of the sea

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This fic has been sitting in my WIP folder for months and then just a couple weeks ago I decided to add to it, and now here we are! I'm very happy with the result, which is in large part due to the wonderful betas who helped me revise! Thank you to [rhysiana](https://rhysiana.tumblr.com/) for all your help with typos and teaching me what an em-dash is, and thank you to [cresselian](http://cresselian.tumblr.com/) for reading this multiple times and offering very helpful advice! They were both awesome and wonderful, and any remaining mistakes are my own.  
> The title comes from Psalm 139: 9-10, which doesn't have much to do with the fic, but there are seas and religious imagery, so I think it fits.  
> Warnings for religious conflicts and homophobia, if you didn't see the tags.  
> I hope you enjoy!

            Nursey was waiting outside the lecture hall when Dex’s class ended. He had two coffees in his hands, one he was sipping from and one by his hip, ignored. Dex debated going up to him, but then Nursey turned his head and saw Dex, raising the forgotten coffee in greeting, and Dex was forced over. He held out the coffee to Dex as he got closer and it occurred to Dex that Nursey was there for him.

            “Hey, man,” he said, and Dex took the coffee from him. “So, like, Spring Break.”

            Dex took a sip of his coffee and raised his eyebrows over the cup at Nursey. The coffee was exactly how he liked it, with a shitload of milk, even though he always drank black anyway, ever since his brother used to make fun of him for needing cream. Dex tried not to smile over it and failed. “What about Spring Break?”

            Nursey turned and began to walk, so Dex followed. They turned onto the familiar path to their building, though the space between them on the sidewalk was anything but normal. “My parents have this house in Spain, right on the water, and it’s empty.”

            Dex nearly choked on his coffee. “You have a house in-- no, never mind, not even surprised anymore.” He huffed at Nursey’s ridiculously large wealth and went to take another sip of his drink when he realized the rest of what Nursey said. “Wait-- you want me to come with you to Spain?”

            Nursey brushed his thumbs up and down his cup of coffee and didn’t meet Dex’s eye. “C and Farmer already said yes, if that helps. It’d only be a week, and because it’s my idea, I’d pay for it. Or my parents will. It’s kind of a birthday present.”

            “A birthday present,” Dex echoed, dazed.

            “I know we’re-- but I consider you a close friend, you know.”

            Dex swallowed, mind on the other night, all the things he couldn’t come back from. Things had been-- not awkward, because they fit too well to do awkward anymore. But all the easiness that came with their relationship, knowing what the other needed and not hesitating to give that, it had dissipated with that night, and Dex didn’t know how to fix it.

            “Sounds cool,” Dex said, because he had to start somewhere.

 

*~*~*

 

            “Are you sure it’s safe?” Ma asked through the phone, her concern pressing against Dex’s ear as he packed. The last time he’d used this suitcase, he’d been going home for winter break, and it was stupid, but he felt like the iciness of that Maine winter was still there, in between the seams.

            “It’s a quiet little beach town,” Dex said, for maybe the third time, as he folded his pants, edges tight and straight, like his mom had taught him. His fingers twitched at that thought and he shook his head, nearly dislodging the phone from between his shoulder and ear. “It isn’t a popular tourist spot, and Nurse-- Derek says it’s a nice place.” Dex didn’t mention that the last time Nursey had been there was back in his sophomore year of high school, when Shitty kidnapped him for the summer and they got drunk on the beach nearly every day for a month.

            “Alright,” Ma said, her voice full of reluctance. If she was here, Dex knew she’d be giving him her wide, worried eyes. He knew those eyes well, knew what they meant no matter when he saw them, whether it was when he didn’t laugh at the joke his uncle made about The Gays or when he came home from the hockey team’s reunion bonfire last summer all bloody and quiet. Those eyes always meant disappointment, responsibility, a legacy Dex had never asked for and didn’t know how to give back. She cleared her throat, pulling Dex from his thoughts. “So, who’s all going?”

            Dex frowned down at his half-folded shirt. “My defense partner, Derek, whose parents own the house, and the goalie, Chris, and his girlfriend.”

            “The ones you met in New York over the summer,” Ma said, and Dex made an affirmative noise. Ma was silent for a few moments, which Dex naively took as indication that he’d escaped unscathed. Then she asked, “And Derek, is he…?”

            Dex shut his eyes. He thought back to a time when this kind of question wouldn’t have felt like a stab in the side, thought back to a time when his mother wouldn’t have thought to ask it, and then wondered-- stupidly-- if there would ever be a time he could answer it truthfully. He asked, “Is he what, Ma?”

            There was silence for a few more moments and then she said, “Never mind-- it doesn’t-- you aren’t--” She cleared her throat again. “Are you sure everything’s alright? You’ve never not come home for break before.”

            What could he say to that? “He invited me. It’s a present from his parents and he wants his friends there. If he hadn’t, I’d be on my way home now.”

            Another beat or two, then, quiet, “So you’re okay?”

            Dex wondered if she really wanted to know, or if she just wanted him to say he was so she could keep that lie with all the others. He wondered if he was or not, if his kind of okay was even the same as hers anymore. He wondered, most of all, how long he could be okay for her before something tipped the fragile balance they’d made and everything fell apart around it.

            “Yeah, Ma,” he said, and his voice was nearly steady, too little a catch to be heard over the phone. “I’m okay.”

 

*~*~*

 

            Dex didn’t have a fear of planes, even though he’d only been on a handful in his life. He understood the engineering aspect and knew the statistics of whether he’d fall out of the sky or not and left the rest up to God-- Who he still spoke to, despite everything. What he hadn’t expected was Nursey being afraid, and panicking in his seat minutes before takeoff. Chowder and Farmer were in the seats in front of them, sleeping pills taken and face-masks on. They were old hats at this flying thing after dozens of cross-country red-eyes between Mass and Cali.

            If it was a month ago, Dex would’ve grabbed Nursey’s hand and let him crush Dex’s metacarpals until he calmed down enough to let go. He would’ve made jokes about himself, the plane, the weird guy with the bird shirt a few rows ahead of them. He would have relished in the smile he brought to Nursey’s face and let Nursey talk about something ridiculous if only to comfort him for a while. But it wasn’t a month ago, and there was so much more distance between their hands now. Nursey dug his fingers into the armrests and Dex pretended like he didn’t notice as the flight attendant did her whole talk about plane safety and the man with the bird shirt pulled out a book about famous birds in literature, and other mostly useless things went on.

            When she finished talking and the plane started moving, Nursey started hyperventilating and Dex knew adding a panic attack to this whole situation would only worsen it, so he screwed up his courage and grabbed Nursey’s hand. Nursey looked at him, and his shock distracted him as the plane picked up speed.

            “Dex--” He started and stopped, like that old car Dex spent a summer trying to fix. It had been a shitty car, a rusted blue pick-up with windows that didn’t roll up and a mileage that was worse than C’s alcohol tolerance. He’d used up every curse he’d known trying to get the damned thing to start, spent afternoons following a day on the water in the hot sun sweating and groaning over a motor. He’d hated it so intensely that he’d come to enjoy the lobster boat because it meant he wasn’t fiddling with that fucking car.

            It had all been worth it, though, when the thing turned on late in August, purring like a cat warmed in the sun, pleased even if you’d had to step over it all afternoon to keep from disturbing it. It had been worth it because it had meant the most important thing.

            Freedom.

            Dex swallowed and looked at Nursey and said, “I’ve only been on, like, two planes, dude. Humor me.” They knew each other well, had always been able to tell when the other was lying. But Dex knew that Nursey needed the lie, because the lie meant that Dex cared, and that was what he needed the most of all.

            Nursey nearly managed a smile, and then the plane began to lift and he squeezed Dex’s hand so tight that it turned even whiter-- which Dex hadn’t thought possible. It was strange how, with Nursey holding him so tightly, he’d never felt freer.

 

*~*~*

 

            The house was dusty when they got there. Farmer and Chowder coughed when they opened the door to their room, and Nursey dusted off the coffee table before collapsing on the couch. Dex went around opening all the windows in the house to get out the musty smell, and when he got back, Nursey was asleep. They’d planned to sleep on the flight and change their bodies’ schedules-- they’d gotten a six o’clock flight out of Mass and arrived in Málaga at ten, Spain time-- but Nursey had been too stressed to sleep for the majority of the flight and was probably going to be jet lagged until they left.

            Chowder and Farmer looked antsy, so Dex told them to go to the beach and that he’d stay and air things out, be there when Nursey woke up. They thanked him and changed into their bathing suits before running out the back door, which led right to a semi-private beach. Dex sighed, looking out at the water. It didn’t look at all like Maine, even though it was water, and the comfort the sight brought made him guilty.

            He texted Ma that they’d arrived safely, even though he knew it was around four o’clock there and she wouldn’t see it for a couple of hours. After that, he went around opening cabinets and turning on fans, trying to get rid of the unused feeling of the place. He unpacked a little, putting his clothes in the dresser in his room and his toiletries in the shower caddy he’d brought. There were two bathrooms in the villa, three bedrooms, a kitchen, a living room, a dining room, and a back deck.

            It was all tinged with that older, Spanish feel, though the amenities were all modern. The roof was made of those curved orange shingles that almost looked like tile, to Dex. The walls were all a bright white, tinged yellow in the right light. The deck was enclosed, but it had these wide, arched openings with gorgeous views of the Mediterranean that made it into more of an outdoor space than not. The bedrooms were nice, with tiled floors and big windows with white curtains that fluttered in the wind. Chowder and Farmer got the big bedroom and Nursey and Dex took the smaller ones next to each other. They were still fairly sized, if sparsely furnished with old-smelling wooden furniture. The bathrooms were on the tiny side, but clean and functional. The views were breathtaking, no matter where in the house Dex was.

            He wouldn’t mind staying here for a week.

            It was hotter than he’d thought it would be, so he changed into his swim trunks and slathered on some sunscreen before sitting out on the deck with headphones in. He had an audiobook downloaded on his phone for the flight, but he’d spent the flight intermittently sleeping and calming Nursey down while pretending that everything was still the way it had been. So he turned on the book and sat back to enjoy it.

            He hadn’t had a vacation-- a true one, where he wasn’t expected to work, too-- since he was a kid, and he thought he’d be antsy, but this was nice, sitting on the deck listening to a book, no expectations or deadlines to meet. The sun even felt nice on his skin, not burning, and he stretched out, sighing. He felt sleepy, so he made sure to set an alarm so he could wake up and turn over so one side of his body wouldn’t be burned while the other remained pasty.

            He did end up falling asleep, then woke up to turn over before going right back to sleep in the sun. Things tried to sneak into his dreams, echoes of Ma’s worried voice and the things he’d said to Nursey bouncing around his head like a puck across an empty rink, but something kept the thoughts at bay. Maybe it was the sun, warm against his greedy skin. Maybe it was just the exhaustion of being up so late on his body’s time. Maybe it was God, giving him a much needed reprieve. Whatever it was, it let him sleep, and he did, soundly, content.

            After an indeterminate amount of time, he woke up to see Nursey standing over him, frowning deeply, more from sleep than anything else. Dex rasped, “What time is it?”

            Nursey blinked at him for a few moments before answering, “Dinner time.”

 

*~*~*

 

            After dinner-- an assortment of finger foods at a local café-type place, which Nursey ordered for them in beautiful Spanish-- they went back to the villa. Chowder and Farmer were tired because they’d successfully slept on the plane and had spent most of the day on the beach, so they turned in early. Nursey and Dex stumbled with each other for a second or two, unsure of their new footing, before going through the villa to the beach and swimming as the sun set on the water. It was a blurry orange-red color, like blood almost, and as it melted into the horizon, Dex swore that the sea swallowed it whole.

            They floated for a while, after swimming competitions and splashing contests and other ways they could interact without talking. Things got silent, like they had since two weeks ago, and Dex didn’t try and breach it. His skin felt tender, probably burned even though he put on almost an entire thing of sunscreen. Everything else felt tender, too, and after the day’s reprieve, everything came back as he spent more time with Nursey, watching while he flowered in this environment, blossoming under the sun and atmosphere and freedom.

            Samwell had been good for Dex in a similar way. He’d unlearned the defense mechanism of his childhood, learned acceptance in that breathless, unconditional way. With the guys, they hadn’t expected anything out of him except his best and pushed him to get there relentlessly, which he’d needed, he realized with the aid of hindsight. They were the teachers he hadn’t been expecting from college, and he felt unrestrained there, felt like himself there.

            And the thought of having that taken away scared him right back to who he’d been before, defensive first and everything else second, and he hated himself for it.

            “Thanks for coming,” Nursey said, quiet, when they were both on their backs and staring at the slowly darkening sky. Dex didn’t try to look at him. “I know-- with everything, you didn’t have to, but. But I’m glad you did.”

            Dex wanted to tell him, wanted to explain everything even if it’d destroy him to do it. He’d break himself willingly, give all his pieces to Nursey, if he thought it’d make Nursey happy. But that was just it. Dex knew Nursey better than maybe anything else and he knew telling the truth wouldn’t make Nursey happy, would devastate him, and Dex couldn’t do that, even if that hurt Dex too.

            “I’m glad I’m here,” he said, and it wasn’t enough of a lie that anyone else would notice, but it was Nursey. It was always Nursey.

 

*~*~*

 

            The walls of the villa were thin. If Dex strained his ears, he could hear Chowder talking in his sleep and Farmer’s soft wheezing snores. He didn’t have to try as hard to hear Nursey’s steady breathing. It made Dex wonder if that’s what it would be like next year, living in the same room, falling asleep to Nursey’s breathing. He liked it. Probably too much. He’d probably get accustomed to it, addicted to it, and it’d just be another thing he missed so much it hurt when he lost it to the world.

            Ma had texted him a while ago, time zones unimportant in the face of her motherly concern. She told him to have fun, be safe. It was harder to hear what she really meant in texts, so he put it out of his mind. Dad didn’t like texting, so Ma had probably had a hand in the message Dad had sent. He’d told Dex to have a good time but remember to be responsible, and Dex had nearly laughed when he’d read it, as if he could ever forget.

            His brother called around eleven thirty, and with the thin walls, Dex took it outside to ensure he wouldn’t wake anybody. “Hey,” Jay greeted, his voice mellowed from a day’s work.

            “Hi.” Dex pressed his bare toes to the warm deck floor, staring out at the water. He knew it wasn’t the Atlantic, but he couldn’t help but feel like Jay was staring at the water, too. Two brothers, an ocean apart, different to the point of violence and still the same at the core.

            “She’s losing her mind,” he said, half a laugh in his voice. “Dad can’t keep her sitting.”

            “Has she brought out the crosses yet?” That was the Poindexter way. Pray when an uncle loses his job and himself to the drink, pray when another baby is born into a family that can’t feed the mouths they already have, pray when your son goes to Spain with a boy who might corrupt him. She hadn’t prayed back when the corruption had started, but she hadn’t noticed, then.

            “I don’t think she knows where they are,” Jay said. “Dad hid them after New Year’s.” New Year’s, when one of Dex’s cousins had learned of Samwell’s slogan after some college searching, and everyone had stared at Dex like he was number one.

            “You could tell her I’m wearing one,” he said, because he’d been comfortable with lying to his mom since he’d learned thinking boys were pretty would make him bleed. He stopped wearing the cross every day a while back, when it’d felt more like a noose than a chain, but he’d kept it safe in his room, until yesterday. Nursey had borrowed it for the airport, hoping it would smooth the process. Dex wondered if Ma would appreciate God’s protection working in that way, and then tried not to think about it.

            “I could,” Jay agreed. Dex knew he wouldn’t. He stayed quiet for a while. Dex stared at the water. He imagined Ma pacing so hard that it caused the waves that lapped at the shore and nearly smiled at the thought. Her control felt like that, sometimes. “Will you tell me before you decide to stop coming back?” Jay asked, a minute or ten later. Dex curled his fingers around the railing of the deck but he swayed on his feet anyway. “Just a-- warning.”

            “I’m not--” Dex swallowed. “Jay, I’m not gonna stop coming home.”

            “It’s you or them, kid.” Jay’s voice was rough, his words harsh, and still Dex knew it was meant as a kindness. It hurt, anyway. “I know who I’d choose.”

            Dex hung up after the silence filled his chest. He missed being empty.

 

*~*~*

 

            For breakfast, they went back to the café down the street, and Nursey ordered for them all. Dex dragged ice against his skin to mellow the burn he’d gotten and chatted quietly with Chowder and Farmer about their plans for the day.

            “I’ve been looking online for some things to do around town,” Farmer explained, leaning into Chowder heavily. Despite sleeping on the plane, it was still really earlier to wake up for them, on their bodies’ times, and all of them were feeling the effects. “But Nursey wasn’t kidding when he said it wasn’t a popular tourist town. I found a museum and the home of a historical figure I don’t recognize, but that’s about it.”

            “I’m happy to spend the week on the beach,” Chowder said, smiling with his eyes closed, nearly asleep in his seat. Farmer huffed a fond laugh and brushed her thumb up and down Chowder’s bicep. Dex swallowed and looked away.

            “That sounds good,” he said, eyes on the sugar packets on the table. “The museum.”

            “Mm, they open at ten, so after this, maybe,” Farmer said.

            At that moment, Nursey laughed, and Dex’s eyes flitted over to him instinctively, always trying to catch a glimpse of his smile. He was chatting with the waitress, smiling, leaning towards her, flirting. Dex had no idea what they were saying, but he knew Nursey was charming her, that she liked him, knew that in a way that transcended language. Dex thought of next year, having to sleep downstairs while Nursey picked up, missing Nursey’s soft breathing and that hurt just adding to the ache in his chest.

            Dex pretended like he was tired-- didn’t really have to pretend-- and leaned against the wall, closing his eyes. He listened to Chowder and Farmer chat quietly about something Farmer’s brother had texted her. Their voices were soft, soothing, and they lulled him into a state of half-sleep until the food came. It was warm, and it filled Dex in a comforting way.

            After, when they’d paid and Nursey kept the receipt with the waitress’ number on it, they walked to the nearby museum. It was a tiny little place of maybe four or five small rooms, each of them filled with some confusing pieces about the Spanish Civil War Dex didn’t understand. The building itself was old and the architecture was pretty, with its decorative arches and beautiful engravings, so Dex spent more time staring at the walls than the paintings, which Chowder chirped him about.

            They spent lunch on the beach, eating and throwing a ball around. They played chicken in the water, C on Nursey’s shoulders and Farmer on Dex’s, and Farmer and Dex won soundly. Farmer abandoned ship to kiss Chowder underwater and Dex stared at the horizon and pretended that he didn’t want. Chowder and Farms took a nap together after that, as their sleeping schedules still were a little wonky, and Nursey and Dex went into town to look at the little shops.

            Nursey saw a scarf in a window that he decided he just had to have, and dragged Dex into a shop that was much too expensive for him to feel comfortable in. It had wide, tall windows in the front, displaying an assortment of fine looking clothes and old knickknacks, all of which Dex was sure were worth more than that truck he’d worked tirelessly on for a month. Inside the store, there was an air of stillness, poise, and it had that older, refined smell to it, like everything in here was too dignified to age with the modern world. It was a bright place, and went back for several rows, each with an increasing level of extravagance and untouchability.

            Dex hovered around the front of the store while he waited for Nursey, afraid to touch anything for fear of breaking it. Still, he couldn’t help but look, peering at the clothes and items from a safe foot away while Nursey decided between two incredibly similar scarves. Dex stopped at a display of weird coin necklaces that looked cool. They were old-looking things with a golden metal-- it couldn’t actually be gold, could it?-- curled around their edges to be held in place by thin leather loops. They were beautiful and Dex leaned a little closer, peering at the caption below the display. It was in Spanish, obviously, and he couldn’t make out more than one or two words.

            “Whatcha lookin’ at?” Nursey asked, voice much too close.

            Dex shook his head. “Just these necklaces.” He was too curious, though, and asked, “What does that say?” pointing at the little card at the bottom of the display. Nursey peered at it and smiled when he’d finished reading it.

            “I’m gonna get you one,” he said. “Which one do you want?”

            “What? Nurse--”

            “Pick one or I’ll just do it,” he said.

            Dex looked for a price tag. “No, Nursey, they look really expensive. Don’t--”

            “I guess this one then,” Nursey said, reaching out and taking the one that had caught Dex’s eye, a worn little thing with a simple engraving, like a regular coin but obviously older, tougher. He turned towards the register and Dex followed, helpless.

            “ _Perdóname, pero quiero comprar este collar, también_ ,” Nursey said, smiling at the cashier, holding out the necklace to him.

            “Nursey, don’t--”

            The cashier’s eyes widened a little as he took it. “ _Es muy caro, señor. ¿Est_ _á seguro?_ ”

            Nursey laughed lightly, politely. Dex knew that Nursey was good at being polite, had learned it like it was curriculum at Andover. There was maybe nothing that hurt Dex more than seeing a polite, forced smile on Nursey’s face. It’d been alarmingly present since that night, two weeks ago.

            “ _Sí, estoy seguro._ ” Nursey ignored Dex as he protested and pulled out his wallet as the cashier rung him up, carefully positioning himself so that Dex couldn’t see the screen that told how much the transaction was. He handed over a credit card, signed the little paper, and smiled as the cashier finished the sale. “ _Gracias_ ,” Nursey said, as the cashier gave him a little paper bag with the necklace in it. “ _Tenga un día bueno_.”

            “ _Y ud.,_ ” the cashier said, and then Nursey turned to leave, and Dex followed, always following.

            “Nursey, what the hell,” Dex said as they stopped on the sidewalk. Dex didn’t even like it when Nursey paid for his coffee at Annie’s. He was furious at the thought of Nursey buying him this super expensive necklace.

            “Here.” Nursey put the bag in Dex’s hands and smiled, pleased probably at both his gift and Dex’s annoyance. “It was a coin salvaged from a shipwreck a couple hundred years ago. They made it into a necklace.”

            Dex squawked. “ _What._ It must’ve cost a fortune.”

            Nursey shrugged and Dex wanted to punch him (not really). “A small price to pay for what I get in return.”

            “What could you possibly get in return?” Nursey was _ridiculous_ with his stupid too-much money and his stupid too-expensive gifts and his stupid ridiculous _everything_ \--

            “The peace of mind in knowing that if you ever got lost,” Nursey said, smiling, soft, “that you’d always be saved.”

            Dex’s protests died in his throat, and he choked them down with everything else.

 

*~*~*

 

            They got take-out for dinner that night and ate it on the deck, watching Netflix on Nursey’s laptop, laughing enough that they scared away birds from the beach.

            As one episode rolled into its credits, Farmer wiped a tear from her cheek from all the laughter and said, “Chris and I wanted to check out this dessert place we saw on the way back from the museum today.” Chowder nodded, his chin pressed against Farmer’s shoulder.

            “Cool, I’d be down with dessert,” Nursey said, and Dex nodded because he was always ready to eat more of the food here. There wasn’t as much spicy food as he’d been anticipating-- which Nursey had rolled his eyes at, explaining how the spice trade had worked and that Spanish food was not the same as food from Latin and Central America--and after his initial hesitation, Dex was excited to try as many things as possible.

            Chowder and Farmer shared a look. “Um, we kind of thought maybe we could go alone?” Chowder winced as he said it. “Kind of like a date, you know.”

            “Oh, yeah, chill, sorry.” Nursey shook his head and smiled, and it wasn’t completely fabricated, but it didn’t make his eyes wrinkle the way a real one would’ve. “You guys go, have fun. Dex and I will hold down the fort.” If it was a month ago, Nursey would’ve thrown an arm around Dex’s shoulder and tugged him close, his laughter rumbling from his chest into Dex’s arm. If it was a month ago, the smile Nursey would’ve given him wouldn’t have been strained, painful. If it was a month ago, he would’ve called Dex something ridiculous, like Dexy or Poindorkster or Dex-a-ling-a-ding-dong.

            “Yeah, you two have fun,” Dex said, smiling down at the deck floor, hating himself just a little bit.

            They left for the restaurant and Dex and Nursey sat on the deck, staring at the laptop’s dark screen, fidgeting. Finally, Dex couldn’t take it anymore and asked, “Wanna go swimming?” The water was always there to go back to, at least. So they swam, more subdued than maybe they should’ve been, as the sun went down. They stopped to watch it, sitting on the bottom of the sea, their chins just barely above water level. It reminded Dex that their second day here was already ending. They only had five full ones left, and though it seemed like a long time, the past two had flown by. Despite the hesitation that was always there, now, between him and Nursey, Dex couldn’t help but wish they’d never have to leave.

            When the sun was gone, they went back inside to towel off and, once they were dry, collapsed on the couch to chill. Dex had left his phone on the coffee table after they got back from shopping and he grabbed it, then, to check his messages for the first time all day.

            Ma said, _How is it going?_ and _Don’t forget your sunscreen!_ and then _Have you seen any pretty churches since you got there? Spain has a lot of them, right?_

            There was a church nearby. The steeple made it the tallest building in town and Dex couldn’t miss it, walking around town. At the top of the point, there was a cross, made of old and crumbling stone, and it was a wonder that all the crosses in Dex’s life were temporary like that. Nursey gave his back after they arrived, but instead of the chain Dex had his shipwrecked coin around his neck, felt more secure in that. The steeple still loomed, though, ever present in a way reminiscent of home, of Ma. It didn’t matter what he was doing-- chatting with Farmer or laughing at something Chowder said or staring too long at Nursey-- when he looked up, the church was there. The only place he couldn’t see it from was on their secluded patch of beach. He didn’t tell Ma that.

            Dad had refrained from sending anything more, and Jay had called him again but Dex had missed it. The group chat had been active and after reading the previous messages he mentioned that he’d already gotten sunburned and the chat flooded with lobster emojis.

_Bitty: c’mon y’all leave him alone!_

_Bitty: I’ve been home all of two minutes and I’ve already got the aloe out in droves_

_Bitty: dex honey have you got any aloe there with you? if not I’m sure you could find a place nearby that has some_

_Holster: yeah dude jokes aside that shit hurts_

_Shitty: hurts like a BITCH_

_Ransom: haha suck it whities_

_Ransom: ;) ;) ;)_

_Ransom: how bad could it really be you big babies_

_Holster: YOU DON’T KNOW OUR PAIN_

_Shitty: your skin PEELS FROM YOUR BODY_

_Holster: YOU CAN’T EVEN SIT DOWN_

_Shitty: if your arm brushes something you literally die_

Holster sent a gif of Stewie from family guy red from head to toe with the caption _literally me in the summer_ under it and Nursey asked “What did you mean when you said ‘pretend’?” just as Dex laughed at it.

            Dex looked up and Nursey was staring at him from the other side of the couch, his eyes sad and imploring and it reminded Dex so heavily of his mother that his breath hitched. Maybe it was stupid of him to assume that Nursey wouldn’t bring up that night again-- at least not on this trip-- but some things Dex couldn’t help but hope for, despite himself.

            “Like, I know shit has been hard with your parents recently, but I-- why would you have to pretend around me?” _Don’t I know you?_ Nursey’s eyes asked. _Don’t we know each other?_

            _You do_ , Dex thought, wished that Nursey could read his mind to understand, and then the thought of it terrified him. _You do know me, you know me best, and it’s why I can’t live with you_.

            Chowder and Farmer stumbled into the living room, giggling and leaning on one another and clearly drunk. Dex swallowed and stood to help Farmer get Chowder into bed and didn’t look at Nursey when he passed him in the hall on the way to his own bedroom.

 

*~*~*

 

            Chowder made breakfast for them on their second morning. It wasn’t anything Bitty-level but there were eggs with a bit of a kick to them and toast smeared with avocados and they ate it all sitting out in the sun.

            “Things feel like they’re going too fast,” Farmer said, licking crumbs from her lips, staring at the water. Something about the wistful tone in her voice let Dex know she didn’t mean the trip, which still had the majority in front of them. “We just started and it’s almost halfway over.”

            They were silent for a little while, because it was painfully true. Sophomore year was over in a few short months, and if the past two years were any indication, junior and senior year would go breathlessly quick. Dex fingered the coin hanging against his sternum, thinking about it, already feeling half-lost.

            “We’re just gonna have to make the most of it,” Nursey finally said. His eyes were heavy, voice solemn, and something about it reassured Dex despite himself. “Cherish every day.”

            The end was approaching faster than Dex had expected. High school had felt infinite, and he’d expected the same from college. But looking forward, knowing what was coming for him after graduation, every passing day felt like one inch closer to losing everything he valued. Nursey’d said the necklace would save him, but did that mean salvation like his pastor had preached, with its penance and guilt and silence? He thought about living a life like that, something like high school, like isolation and heartbreak. It was inevitable, he knew, and still he would’ve given nearly anything to escape it.

            Dex did the dishes after breakfast, and Nursey stayed to help him even though he hated drying dishes. “They never get as dry as I want them,” he protested, whenever Dex pointed it out, and Dex ducked his head to hide his smile. He didn’t bring up his question from last night, which Dex was thankful for. He instead hummed some song Dex only vaguely recognized and swung his hips to the rhythm.

            He bumped into Dex, by accident, and they both laughed, a beat too late, awkward. Dex coughed, handing Nursey a cup. “Thought you were supposed to be better at that,” he said, trying.

            “Better at what?”

            “Dancing.” Nursey didn’t respond for a few long moments and Dex looked from the sink to his face to see him grinning dangerously. Dex inhaled sharply.

            “You want dancing, Poindexter,” he said, voice playful, “I’ll give you dancing.”

            The next thing Dex knew, he was being pulled, sudsy hands and all, into a simple bachata. “You go forward when I go back,” Nursey explained, smiling as Dex stumbled and then helping him right himself. “Move your hips!” Nursey insisted, poking at Dex’s hips with his fingers, and Dex felt his face flush.

            “I’m not good at this,” Dex grumbled, though he didn’t stop.

            “Tap on four, not five,” Nursey said, and Dex didn’t even know there were numbers involved. He felt a little betrayed that the numbers had rebelled against him like this. “You’re fine, you just need to practice.” Nursey’s hands, where they were clutching Dex’s-- held out in front of their bodies a decent distance, but not stiff-- squeezed once. “This might be easier, c’mere.”

            Without warning, Nursey came closer, one hand on Dex’s shoulder, the other with their clasped hands held vertically. They continued to move, now their faces so much closer, and Dex could do nothing but stare back at Nursey and try not to stumble. “See?” Nursey said, his voice a murmur. “You’re much better when you’re not staring at your feet the whole time.”

            “Yeah,” Dex said, and swallowed. He felt closer to falling now than he had before, but that might not have anything to do with the dancing.

            “Guys?” Dex looked up and Chowder had poked his head into the kitchen. Dex flushed, wondering how long he’d been watching. Chowder grinned. “You wanna go swimming again?”

            “Sure,” Nursey said, letting Dex go and pulling away, and everything felt colder for it.

            The thing was, endings loomed over everything and Dex couldn’t help but let them taint everything they touched. What was the point in falling into something when he knew it would only end in heartbreak? What was the point of letting himself be happy when he was destined to live a life of stifling stillness no matter what he did? Maybe those were the wrong questions. He knew it was out of fear that he felt this way, but maybe the fear wasn’t that he would have to deal with the heartbreak at the end of it. Maybe the fear was that he would like it-- love it-- too much to ever let it go.

            He had responsibilities, you know.

            “Dex, come on!” Dex shook his head and followed everyone back to the beach. He dove into the sea and swam out as far as he dared, floating for a breath or two before heading back. The rest of the group had stayed near the shore, swimming lazily and chatting about something. Dex swam towards them and opened his mouth to greet them only to be splashed in the face by Farmer. When he managed to open his eyes again, Farmer was trying to stifle her giggles behind her hand, while Nursey and Chowder were outright laughing. Oh, it was _on_.

            It turned into an all-out battle. No one was safe. Chowder splashed Farmer from behind, so she grabbed his leg underwater and pulled him under, splashing him every time he surfaced. Nursey and Dex teamed up against Chowder, getting him from both sides, until Farmer jumped on Dex’s back and pulled him back under the surface. Nursey obviously needed to be punished for leaving his comrade to die, so Dex got Chowder and Farmer to all focus on him until Nursey, laughing brightly through it, called out a dramatic, “I am slain!” and fell back into the water.

            Dex heaved, tired, and pulled himself onto the sand to relax a minute. Just as he started to dry, Nursey came out of the water and started burying Dex’s feet. “What’re you doing?” Dex mumbled, sleepy from lying in the sun.

            “I’mma turn you into a mermaid,” Nursey said decisively, so Dex shrugged and closed his eyes again. Not long after, Chowder and Farmer joined in, covering Dex’s torso. Nursey relayed a story he’d heard from some stand-up comedy special he’d watched on Netflix and Chowder and Farmer complained when Dex laughed, his stomach-shaking messing up their art.

            In the end, they turned Dex into a beautiful sand mermaid, complete with scales and coconut bra. Dex let them take a picture before breaking free and chasing them down to give them a fairly sandy hug.

            “It’ll get in my hair!” Farmer shrieked.

            “It’ll get in _my_ hair,” Nursey said, jumping out of Dex’s way. “Stay away demon.”

            “I want a hug!” Chowder wrapped his arms around Dex, uncaring about the sand invading his swim shorts, and Dex laughed into his shoulder, thinking that he’d remember this feeling of unrestrained glee for the rest of his life if it killed him.

            In the shower, afterwards, washing sand from every inch of his body, Dex thought that maybe that’s what he had to do. Remember. If college was going to be the only reprieve of his lifetime, he’d have to remember the good things, make good memories, give himself something like Nursey’s soft breathing or Chowder’s encompassing hugs or Farmer’s bright laughter to think of years from now and fall asleep to. He knew his destiny, knew what he had to do, and it was too strong-- like the tides, really-- to let something as inconsequential as a broken boy’s want break its hold. The best he could do was gather enough good things to get through the rest of it.

 

*~*~*

 

            They lazed around the third morning, a little tired of the beach. They all kind of kept to their own devices, but literally. They sat on the deck, smelling the sea, each on their own phone or laptop, checking back in with the real world. He texted Ma and told her a little about what they’d been doing and she told him she was glad he was having fun, which he took at face value. All Poindexters knew the importance of a reprieve, when hard work was all they knew. Ma told him to eat something sweet for her, and Dex smiled.

            “You guys wanna head back into town for a while?” Nursey asked, after a while. Everyone shrugged a sure and so that’s what they did. They found a toy shop they all were incredibly fascinated with, picking up wooden string toys and competing to see who could get the ball in the cup the quickest. Farmer won and declared that her prize would be going to the wine place she’d seen last time she was in town. Wine wasn’t Dex’s favorite, but they went and Farmer and Nursey tasted a bunch of things while Chowder and Dex stood in the background, pretending to be snooty wine-tasting people until their friends sent them dirty looks.

            “Let’s do something not horrible,” Dex said, as they left the venue, and Farmer hit him in the arm.

            “We could go to a bookstore,” Nursey said, his eyes on the shop a little ways down the street. Dex sighed, but couldn’t say no to Nursey’s hopeful, upturned lips, and so they went. Farmer looked at a few art history books while Nursey strayed instantly to the poetry section and Chowder and Dex found themselves near the back, where a small but eclectic graphic novel section was shoved.

            “How’ve you been, dude? I feel like I haven’t gotten a chance to talk to you in a month,” Chowder said, laughing pleasantly, as he perused a novel in Portuguese. He was right that they hadn’t really hung out in a while. Dex had mostly been avoiding the Haus and the team-- aside from practices and games, of course-- since that night with Nursey.

            Dex felt bad about it of course, but he couldn’t explain any of it to C, even if there were times when he thought that Chowder already knew. He shrugged. “Most of the same. You?”

            Chowder rolled his eyes good-naturedly. “Oh, you know how it is. Dad’s been getting on me about my major. Like, I know I want to do CS, but I’ve been really enjoying the linguistics class I’m taking this semester and I might wanna minor in that, too, just ‘cause. Dad says I shouldn’t stretch myself too thin, but Papa thinks I should try and double major if I really like it that much, but I’m not Shitty, you know?”

            “We’ve still got time to decide,” Dex said, and hoped his voice didn’t sound as desperate as he felt. They still-- _he_ still had time.

            Chowder nodded, putting back the book, and then looked at Dex. He squinted a little. “You sure you’re okay?”

            “Yeah,” Dex said, too quickly.

            Chowder reached out and squeezed his shoulder, smiling kindly. “If you want to talk about it, I’m here.” Dex stared back at him, overwhelmed a little, and said nothing.

            “You guys ready?” Dex looked up and saw Farmer and Nursey waiting for them.

            “Yeah,” he said, and moved to walk past them.

            Once they were all back out on the sidewalk, Nursey frowned. “What do you wanna do now?”

            Dex looked down the street and saw an ice cream shop. He thought of Ma. “How about ice cream?”

            They got their ice cream and took it with them as they walked back to the villa, cooling down a bit. Chowder and Farmer walked ahead, leaning into one another and giggling. Dex and Nursey stayed back, a foot of sidewalk between them, quiet in a way that hovered just behind comfortable.

            It’d been about five minutes of walking when Jay called again. Dex had been screening his calls since that first night, afraid of what news Jay would bring. It was only a matter of time before Dex was too far away to come home again. He answered anyway, the silence too heavy. “What’s she doing now?” he asked, staring at the tip of the steeple he could see behind a few other buildings.

            “Praying for your immortal soul, I don’t fucking know.” Dex could hear wind rushing by. It was early for Jay. He was probably on his way to work. It was definitely too cold there to have the windows open for pleasure, so he was probably smoking. Dex had never gotten into it-- asthma as a kid, and hockey, so he didn’t want to fuck up his lungs-- but the thought of it made his fingers twitch. “You can’t be doing this, kid.”

            Dex blinked, remembering the conversation. “Can’t be doing what, Jay?” He didn’t know how Jay expected him to just leave everything behind. They’d grown up with the same smothering family, the same values. Still Jay told him that Maine wasn’t something Dex needed anymore, like it wasn’t a part of him, like it didn’t control every one of his actions.

            “You don’t owe them your happiness. You can’t just keep yourself from it because of shit they want. Aren’t you tired?”

            “Of course I’m fucking tired,” Dex said, turning away from Nursey to walk down a random alleyway. He could see the water from where he stood on the street, could always see the sea from somewhere here, could never escape the call of it ringing in his ears. “Of course I want-- but we have responsibilities. I know mine.”

            “You went there to get the future you wanted, to be who you are--”

            “I went there to get an education--”

            “You went there to stop pretending.” Jay’s voice was harsh, final, and Dex choked on his argument. It was too close, and Jay didn’t know, couldn’t know, what had happened with Nursey, but-- “If you try and come back here and pretend forever, I won’t let you.”

            Dex felt a chill, despite the warmth all around him, like the Maine winter had followed him here. “Jay, you _can’t_ \--”

            “I could.” He whistled lowly through the phone. “The things I could tell them, kid,” he said, his voice cruel, teasing, “would ruin you.”

            “Jay, don’t.” Fear clutched at him, pushing him under the tide, pulling him out, away, and he couldn’t _breathe_ \-- how was he expected to breathe here?

            “Don’t make me,” Jay said, and hung up the phone.

 

*~*~*

 

            It rained that night, so they stayed inside and played board games they found in a closet. They spread out in the living room, Dex and Nursey sitting on the couch-- a long grey sectional with pretty, decorative pillows-- Nursey on the longer part, Dex on the opposite side of it, a good amount of space between them. Chowder and Farmer sat on the floor, leaning into one another, making secret alliances, and forcing Dex and Nursey to do the same out of necessity.

            Eventually, they added alcohol because why not? They got ridiculously drunk by the time they should’ve been asleep, staying awake and making a mockery of the games they had played. Chowder was sorting Monopoly money methodically into piles that only he knew the categories of, while Farmer sat behind him, whispering into his ear what they were going to buy with it all-- the last thing Dex had heard was a water park. Nursey had moved into the middle No Man’s Land of the couch, though he was upside down now, with his head against the bottom. Dex, who’d moved to the floor when Nursey had gotten too close, was next to him, his head right next to Nursey’s.  Nursey started humming some song Dex didn’t know, and Dex reached forwards to grab the bottle on the dining table. He downed a shot and sighed, letting his head fall back.

            “You okay?” Nursey asked, stopping his humming to do so, and his voice was simply worried, not pushing, and Dex was too drunk to lie.

            “My brother says he’s going to out me to our parents.” The truth of it curled in his chest like ice and he wanted to believe that Jay wouldn’t actually do it, but he’d been keeping Dex’s lies for so long. Dex should’ve expected that he would give in eventually.

            “ _What?_ ”

            Dex nodded, kept staring at the wall. “He thinks that I’m going to waste my life acting like something I’m not for our parents. Telling them would-- would end that, I guess.”

            “That’s-- that’s so shitty, what the fuck.”

            “He-- he’s trying to help me.” The vodka tasted better than the truth, so he took another sip from the bottle to wash his mouth out. He could see what Jay was trying to do, knew that he wanted the best for him, but fuck. When he’d thought about it-- briefly, usually after midnight or when he was too drunk to remember consequences and truths-- he hadn’t even entertained the idea of coming out before college ended, before he was truly out of the house. Sometimes he’d think about the life he’d lead after that, when his parents knew.

            If he was feeling morbid, he’d think about living on his own, without parents or a family to come home to anymore. Maybe he’d move to a city, find a job, meet someone to love as he was. Maybe he’d be happy. Other times, he thought about their reactions like they were fine, like they didn’t mind at all. Maybe he’d stay in Maine, meet a girl-- because even if he came out, what man would he find to marry him there?-- and live his truth, at least partly. Even that future made him sad, thinking of Samwell so far behind him, these people gone from his life.

            He knew there were Jack and Shitty, who both still talked to their friends from college, but that was different. One, they were both dating people from college, and two, they were part of the main group. Jack, even as quiet as he was, was captain, best friends with Shitty, funny when he got talking. Shitty was energy, laughter, conversation, he was the center of the group, or center adjacent, after Bitty. Of course people missed him, wanted to talk to him. Dex wasn’t like that.

            Maybe that’s why he’d wanted to live in the Haus so much. Living in the dorms wasn’t incredibly expensive, compared to the rent at the Haus. His financial aid covered it pretty well, and the little left over he could work off through the school. The Haus had meant more than money breaks. It had meant integration, a spot in the group, family. And as he was pulled, willing or otherwise, from Maine, he wanted family here more and more.

            “No, no, babe,” Farmer said, extremely serious. “If we buy the San Jose Sharks, then we can make their uniforms into actual shark costumes.”

            “But that’s too much power,” Chowder said, a little bit of a whine in his voice. “If we buy a sharks-only aquarium, then we can name the sharks after puns and memes and _maybe the hockey sharks will come to visit_.” Chowder and Farmer widened their eyes at one another, their combined genius amazing them.

            Next to him, Nursey said, “I don’t know-- if things don’t go well-- I. We’ll always be here for you, okay?” Dex turned to look at him and his eyes were earnest, insistent, and blindly, drunkenly determined. “Okay, that’s what Samwell, what the team is. Even if-if you don’t know how to be yourself yet or-or you need someone to bully you into having fun, you--” Nursey swallowed audibly and Dex didn’t even track the movement, too consumed in Nursey’s eyes. “You have a home here, with us. Always.”

            Dex felt his face break into a smile, despite everything, and Nursey’s responding one felt like the answer Dex had been looking for all his life.

 

*~*~*

 

            The fourth day passed with more rain. They stayed inside because it was a heavy storm and none of them wanted to be pulled under by a random riptide. He remembered people telling him as a child that rain was God crying, that God was really sad whenever it stormed. Dex had always thought that a storm was more angry than sad. Staring out at the seas that morning from the deck, white capped waves thrashing like a wounded animal, Dex thought that God must’ve been furious. He clutched at the rescued coin around his neck and prayed he wouldn’t be wrecked.

            “Dex?” Nursey’s voice was soft, probably more because of the hangover than anything from last night. They’d gotten painfully used to leaving things that happened after dark untouched. Nursey held out a mug of coffee. “Wanna come inside?”

            Dex took the mug. Inside, they had a simple breakfast, all the rich food from eating out getting to their stomachs. They played some more board games, but got bored quickly when they refused to become day-drinkers- “Yes, Nursey, drinking mimosas counts as day drinking,”- so they decided to brave the streets looking for another café for something to do. They found one that was cozy, darker, with wood accents and the smell of coffee permeating everything, a warm reprieve from the rain. They had live music playing, too, people with guitars and soulful voices singing broken words Dex didn’t understand. Dex and Nursey got some seats near the back and Farmer and Chowder went up to order, as Farmer knew a good amount of Spanish.

            As they waited, a girl got on stage, a guitar in her hand. She smiled at the audience, something sad in it, and pushed her hair from her face before she started singing. It was a mournful thing, but also hopeful, in the way her voice rose and fell and swelled. Dex swallowed, watching her, feeling the emotion of it even though he didn’t understand it. She got quiet towards the end, tender, broken.

            “What do the words mean?” Dex asked Nursey, not looking away from the girl.

            A second or so later, Nursey said, his voice soft, “Uh, things didn’t go well for us. Good times began to fail, uh, we began to doubt. I was scared.” Nursey paused and Dex looked at him. He was frowning at the girl, listening intently. “You make this world a better place, when you speak you fill everything, and make me forget the loneliness.” He listened for a verse and a half more and then looked back at Dex. His eyes were heavy. “I don’t know what will happen to me if you go away.”

            Dex swallowed, caught in Nursey’s eyes, like, fuck. They were every shade of green he remembered from back in Maine, from the treetops of the forests he used to run through to escape, to the foam on the waves he’d felt jealous of as he watched them float away, the moss and grass under his toes, the ivy that ran up the church walls, the blanket Ma made for him when he was born that sat now, in his dorm, folded at the end of his bed. His eyes were so Maine it hurt, but maybe what hurt most was that they were the only thing from Maine he didn’t want to run from and the only thing he couldn’t let himself keep.

            “We got food,” Chowder said happily, putting the tray of stuff down in front of Dex, and he was pulled away, like always.

 

*~*~*

 

            The fifth day, their second to last day, they relaxed, the entire town unnaturally calm after the passing of the storm. Chowder and Farmer spent suspiciously long in bed, so Nursey and Dex took their breakfast to the beach and then swam around lazily until the sun burned so hot they were forced inside. Farmer and Chowder were wrapped up in one another on the couch, watching some sad movie on Farmer’s laptop, so Dex and Nursey joined them. The ending surprised Dex, as it was hopeful in a way he hadn’t thought endings could be, and he found solace in that like he should’ve found it in scripture.

            Dex’s head hurt from all the crying, so he did the dishes left over from breakfast and dinner the night before. He always used to do the dishes when he was sad, back home, and the familiarity of it didn’t hurt as much as he’d thought it would. Jay hadn’t called since the other day, and Ma’s texts were constant, but Dex pushed that away. He would enjoy the moment if it killed him.

            Afterwards, the four of them walked along the sand for a while, dipping into the water when their feet got too hot to walk on the sand. They chatted aimlessly, pushed one another into the waves when it got boring, laughed with salt water on their tongues. Dex ended up hugging Nursey as he pulled him under and it felt good, felt real, even with all the things unsaid between them.

            “Hey, guys,” Chowder said, as they neared the villa once again and the sun had gotten low in the sky. “We found this little place we wanted to check out.”

            “Oh, chill,” Nursey said, easiness in his movements. Dex reveled in the normalcy of it all. “You two have fun.”

            Chowder and Farmer left to get dressed for their date and Dex and Nursey shared a look before grabbing a bottle of rum from Nursey’s parents’ liquor cabinet and sitting on the beach to watch the sunset. The rum was sweet, the perfect accompaniment to the atmosphere. They spoke of little things, this poem Nursey had read and something funny Dex had seen in town yesterday. There was no pressure to be or do or say anything and Dex relaxed into it.

            They ended up staring up at the sky, silent, when all the liquor had been consumed, as the darkness fell, leaving nothing but the twinkling of the stars and the softness of their breathing in the steadily cooling air.

            “I couldn’t see the stars in the city,” Nursey mumbled, and Dex hummed, half-listening. “Didn’t see them until Andover. I assoc-associah-- I thought they were love, ’cause, like, I only saw them when I had Shitty. Then-then he left, but the stars were still there. So bright. I--” Nursey swallowed and Dex heard it. It made him look over and Nursey was staring up at the sky. “I was always terrified that people didn’t really love me you know? Just-just pretended. Ever--every-- people were always pretendin’ at Andover.”

            “Nursey…”

            Nursey’s head dropped to the side and his eyes were as bright as the stars he loved. They stared at Dex, wide and painfully honest. “’Cause the stars are bright, yeah, but they’re so-- so far away, I can’t-- touch them, can’t feel them.” He didn’t reach out, but Dex saw his hand stutter at his waist.

            “Nursey, I…” What could Dex say? _My love for you is heavier than a star_? _I’d follow you like the North Star, like it led wise men to their savior, because you are my salvation_? _Sometimes I believe in you more than the stars, than God, than myself_? Dex didn’t have words like Nursey did.

            “Dex, I, fuck.” Nursey blinked and Dex’s heart cracked when he saw them water. “I look at you and-and I see galaxies.”

            As inevitable as the tides, Dex was pulled over, into Nursey’s lap, knees in the sand on either side of Nursey’s hips. He cupped Nursey’s face as gently as he could with his rough hands and kissed him as deeply, tenderly, as he could manage. He couldn’t say the words, wondered if he ever would be able to or if that would become a part of him, too.

            “Bed,” Nursey said, arching against Dex. It was impossible to know how long they’d been there, kissing in the sand, but the tide was licking their toes when it hadn’t been that close before. It was a reminder. That time had passed, that some things would always be there no matter how much he wanted them gone, that the pull of the ocean wouldn’t ever disappear. Dex swallowed as he remembered it all, and then he inhaled sharply when he realized how little he cared. The only thing he cared about was Nursey, close enough to touch, close enough to love, _present_ and _here_.

            He couldn’t help but kiss him again.

 

*~*~*

 

            Listening to Nursey’s breathing was even more overwhelming in the same bed, waking up with the sun streaming through the curtains, sheets warm where they tangled around their intertwined legs. Nursey wasn’t a morning person, so Dex felt safe watching him, how his features softened in sleep. It was the chillest Dex had ever seen him, like that, and he couldn’t help but drag his fingers against the slack, soft skin, even though he knew his rough fingertips would only disturb the peace.

            There was a knock on the door and Dex heard, quietly, “Nursey? Do you know where Dex is? He isn’t in his room.” Dex cursed, glancing at the deeply sleeping Nursey next to him. He tried to sit up in bed without disturbing Nursey-- which, if Nursey’s unconscious grumbling was anything to go by, was unsuccessful- and he just managed to settle into a sitting position as Chowder pushed open the door.

            Chowder’s eyes were wide when he realized what he was looking at. Dex stared back, knowing logically that this wouldn’t end in blood like it would back home but still unable to get the stiffness out of his shoulders. Chowder looked from Nursey to Dex and then his eyes got hard, like between the pipes. Dex held his breath. “I love you both, so I won’t--” He stopped, shook his head. His eyes got just slightly softer. “Don’t fuck with him. He doesn’t deserve that.”

            Dex opened his mouth to say “I won’t,” but nothing came out.

            Chowder watched him for a few moments longer, then nodded once, solemn. He turned to go and then paused, looking back at Dex. His expression was nearly back to normal. “You don’t deserve it either,” he said, quiet, and then left before Dex could ask what he meant. He looked back at Nursey, sleeping, and swallowed.

            He didn’t know if he knew how to love something without breaking it.

 

*~*~*

 

            Nursey was quiet during lunch, their last day in Spain. Chowder and Farmer talked about the place they’d gone to for dinner, keeping up most of the conversation, as Dex kept his head down, ate quietly. Nursey and Farmer did the dishes, leaving Dex with Chowder, who was subdued, but friendly. He suggested going to the beach and Dex shrugged, already anticipating tomorrow’s ending. What was the point now?

            They didn’t go swimming, instead walking along the shoreline for a while. They took a seat a little ways down the beach and, while the rest of the group talked, Dex sat in the sand, staring at the horizon. Somewhere out there, the edges of Maine, the shores of his town, were firm, looming. Dex could feel it, even if Ma’s good morning text was a simple, _Morning! Love you_ , even if he and Jay hadn’t spoken since that last horrible call, even if Dex had never been farther from home before.

            He wondered where his home was, anymore. Would he still have a home at Samwell after what he did? If given the option, he thought that he’d pick Nursey over himself, and didn’t expect anyone else to do any differently. If this exploded-- and how could it not?-- Dex would be ripped from the one place he never wanted to leave. In his fear of everything ending, Dex had brought it about even earlier. He huffed, bitter, at himself, when he realized it.

            “Dex?” Dex looked over and Farmer was smiling at him, soft, hesitant. “We were gonna head back now.” Dex looked at the sun and noticed how low it had gotten. He looked back to Farmer and nodded. He tried to join the conversation on the way back, tried not to ruin the rest of the trip. Most of all, he tried not to think about what he would do when they got back, or next year living with Nursey in the Haus, or in two years when he was back home or disowned or floating in between either possibility.

            When they got back to the villa, Farmer and Dex made dinner. Farmer didn’t say anything, but she knew there was something off, even if Chowder hadn’t told her. She was quiet, smiling through little jokes, and Dex managed to smile back even if his mind was other places. Afterwards, Chowder and Nursey volunteered to do the dishes. When they’d finished and the group congregated in the living room to possibly watch a movie, Dex told them he had to do something. He gave no context before he left, ignoring their looks.

            Despite being in another country, like the waves, the church was familiar. He lit a candle and said a small prayer-- for himself or something else, he didn’t know-- and took a seat near the middle. The pews were wooden, stiff. He stared at the front, with its ornate statuettes and arching ceilings and flowing linens. He thought of Sundays back home, wearing his best clothes, listening as the man who baptized him talked about how Dex-- people like Dex-- would burn in hell one day. He thought of his mother’s hesitation, like there was a pause between everything to make sure she still loved him before she spoke. He thought of his father, doing exactly what his mother said, thought of Jay and his misplaced sense of responsibility, thought of himself living with all of it for the rest of his life.

            Maybe he’d known it since arriving at Samwell. Maybe it’d been later, when Bitty baked freely and talked about cute boys with laughter in his eyes, when Shitty went on a rant about hyper-masculinity, when Holster pulled them all into a rom-com marathon without a care about what was “meant for men” or not. Maybe it was then that Dex had known he wouldn’t be able to live back home anymore. Maybe that was when Ma realized it, too, and had tried so hard to hold onto the stifled son she’d loved with ease.

            Maybe he’d known since he’d applied to Samwell, since he’d found the webpage with its boastful pictures of pride parades and love. Maybe it’d been since he was fourteen and kissed a boy on the beach, hidden from the prying eyes of the people he was supposed to love. Maybe it’d been since he was eight and called a boy pretty and no amount of holy water ever washed it off his skin. Maybe it’d been inevitable, maybe his fate had been set, destined, the day he’d been born, maybe it wasn’t a punishment after all. Maybe that-- the first seventeen years of silence-- had all been the punishment and this-- Samwell, Nursey, the rest of his life-- that would be the reward, the salvation he’d been taught, but his own version.

            He didn’t realize he was crying until the Father was standing in front of him, frowning deeply. Dex didn’t know much Spanish-- had taken five years of it to come away with Hola and Me llamo William, and that was about it. He said nothing.

            The Father said, _“¿Qué necesitas, niño?_ ”

            Dex shook his head.

            The Father reached out, his hand wrinkled and shaking, and squeezed Dex’s shoulder. “ _Ud. t_ _iene una casa aquí._ ”

            Five years of Spanish and Dex knew the words for hello, I’m called, and home. Maybe that, too, was destined.

 

*~*~*

 

            Nursey was asleep when Dex returned that night. In the morning, their rush to get to the airport and get on the right plane kept Dex from saying anything. He didn’t want to do it on a plane, when Nursey was panicked and obviously uncomfortable even holding Dex’s hand for reassurance. When they landed, Dex had something he had to do first. When he showed up at the Haus, Lardo didn’t question his request for the dib flip coin, and as he worked in the metal shop-- calling in a favor from an art student he’d posed for for the extra cash back in first semester-- he remembered that night, with the things he couldn’t take back.

_Nursey opened the door with a grin on his face, tongue ready to tease, and Dex needed to get it out before Nursey made him keep it in. “I want to give you my dibs.”_

_Nursey’s smile fell. “What?”_

_It came out in a rush. “I figure that it doesn’t go against the Haus rules, doesn’t break the dib flip, I’m just giving you my dibs. The by-laws don’t say anything about having to be a senior to give dibs so I can just give you mine and this whole thing can be done with.”_

_Nursey stared at him for a few moments, then, “What the fuck, Poindexter?” It shouldn’t have hurt, the harsh way he said Dex’s name, Dex should’ve expected it, deserved it. It hurt, still. He hadn’t called him Poindexter since their first semester. Dex had become Dexy or Poindorkster or Dexington, nicknames, friendly, teasing. Dex’s heart ached as he realized no matter how he handled this, nothing would be the same._

_“We could never live together, Nurse,” Dex said, trying to sound rational, not desperate. “We both know that.”_

_“No, we both fucking don’t.” Nursey was angry, maybe angrier even than that first semester, when they came together like fire to burn everything around them. “I know we joke and shit, but we room on roadies and I’m in your dorm more often than not and--” his voice went softer, “--and we’re friends.” Oh, and that was so much worse, the hurt in Nursey’s eyes, like he didn’t know where he stood with Dex, like he thought Dex actually hated him._

_He couldn’t say the truth-- probably would never be able to-- but he couldn’t let Nursey think it was his fault. “It’s not-- it’s me, okay? I can’t-- with everything with my parents and back home and all that shit I--” Dex swallowed, shaking his head. “I need somewhere I can just-- be. With you there and all-all your shit, I couldn’t.” He bit at the inside of his mouth, knowing how close he was to confessing the one sin too big for words. Nursey stared at him, the anger in his face palpable, and Dex forced it out of his mouth. “I can’t pretend here, too, okay?”_

_Nursey opened his mouth, shaking his head lightly, silent. His eyes were heavy, sad. Dex looked down._

_“Okay? So it’s not you. It’s-it’s my thing. So I can’t deal with living with you.”_

_He heard Nursey scoff and it hurt his ears. “Keep your dibs, Poindexter.”_

_The door slammed shut._

            There were things he couldn’t take back, Dex knew, but it didn’t mean he couldn’t try and atone.

 

*~*~*

 

            It was late when he got to Nursey’s dorm. Nursey answered in a pair of sweatpants, rubbing at his eyes, probably just waking up. Dex swallowed when he saw him and curled his hand harder around the coin in his pocket to reaffirm his resolve.

            Nursey blinked, slow at first, then faster as he tensed. He crossed his arms over his chest. “What do you want?” he asked, and he was aiming for standoffish, but only reached broken. Dex ached.

            “Can I come in?” He fidgeted. Nursey watched him warily but nodded, letting Dex in. He shut the door behind Dex and Dex took a deep breath before turning to face him. He managed an awkward smile. “I’m not gonna try and give you my dibs again.”

            Nursey didn’t laugh, or smile. He just kept watching Dex. Dex figured he deserved that.

            He pulled the string out of his pocket and kept his eyes on it as he talked. “I-- for a while I’ve been struggling with what I thought was my-- destiny. I spent so long thinking that I deserved, like, punishment and shit, and that it was my responsibility to endure that.”

            “Catholic guilt,” Nursey said, quiet but biting, and Dex glanced up at him before looking away.

            “Something like that.” He shrugged. “I thought the dib flip was just another punishment I had to endure but-- I couldn’t.” He swallowed and forced himself to look up. Nursey had a flat expression but his eyes were oceans of pain. It reminded Dex of home and pushed the next words from his mouth. “I couldn’t live so close to you for so long and not fall apart with how much I loved you.”

            Wide eyes, parted lips, Nursey stared. He breathed out, “Dex,” and Dex shook his head.

            “You’re just-- so amazing, Nursey, I don’t-- so beautiful and intelligent and-- and you make me want things I never thought I could have, I just.” Dex shook his head again and couldn’t seem to stop. “I was terrified because I’m not good at having good things, and I think if I lost you I might never recover, but--” Dex swallowed, felt frozen with Nursey’s endless eyes staring back at him like Maine and possibility and everything Dex had ever known or wanted to know.

            “But?” Nursey prompted, and Dex looked at him, with his hopeful twitching fingers and parted tempting lips and all the things Dex had been reading wrong since-- since maybe the beginning. Maybe it’d been willful ignorance. It didn’t really matter now, now that he’d seen the truth of it all.

            “But I think if I don’t try I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.”

            Nursey blinked slowly and straightened against the door. “So what-- what are you saying?”

            “I’m saying,” Dex said, and felt it in his chest like a hymn, felt it leave his lips like a song, “that I love you, and I want probably way too many things to ask for, but this is me starting.”

            He realized that he hadn’t actually asked a question, but he assumed that Nursey heard it anyway, because in the next second, Nursey was there, body close enough to feel, lips right there to taste, better than the bread dissolving on his tongue or the bitterness of the wine or the blood of it all. Nursey’s hands were soft and encompassing on Dex’s cheeks and they felt everlasting.

            Nursey pulled away with a laugh, not going far enough away to feel like a real loss, his forehead to Dex’s. They breathed together, slow, careful, desperate. A moment or two later, Dex heard, “What’s that?” He fluttered open his eyes to see Nursey looking down at Dex’s hands, still curled around the string and the coin.

            “Oh.” He held it up, closer to their faces. “It’s our dib flip coin. It’s like that shipwreck necklace you got me, sort of. It’s like the answer to that, I guess. Like, if one of us is lost, we’ll be saved because fate decided that we’re here to save each other.” Dex shrugged. “I don’t know. It sounds stupid when I say it like that.”

            Nursey’s hands closed over Dex’s, and the necklace. When Dex looked back at him, he was grinning uncontrollably. “It’s not stupid,” he said, a rasp of breath, and then kissed Dex like a promise, like an _amen_ , sealing the prayer.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!  
> I hope you enjoyed. If you did, feel free to drop a kudo or comment down below, they'd be very much appreciated!


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